I am nervous and jittery. Tomorrow I have to go down to put out the garbage.
‘So what is the big deal?’ you ask? ‘We all do it every day, some of us even driving with big pieces of garbage to the dump.’
Well, you are all doing it as a matter of course and freely, out of the gaze of the L&M, who is watching your every move with hawk’s eyes.
In my nervousness, I fumble with the disposable gloves, tear two of them, wear the mask upside down, start going out in my house slippers before realising the mistake. And the relentless eyes are still watching me.
‘Cover your head. It might stick to your hair,’ he says anxiously, the ‘it’ being the dreaded #COVID19 virus, but I am sure you have deduced that, haven’t you? I pull the pallu over my head without arguing (experience has taught me that it is pointless) and thus ‘dressed and armed’ leave for my garbage run.
The younger Brat might be aware of the #GarbageRun bike rides, but alas my ‘run’ has neither bikes nor excitement, unless you count the possibility of seeing another human being–even if with their own garbage.
The society had stopped the garbage collector who picked it up from our doors, as he was working in another society where a ‘case’ had turned up.
Does it all sound like gibberish? Well, I am sorry. I should have begun at the beginning.
Note: In this #COVID19 story, I am the poor victim but all those who have followed my L&M stories already know that, I am sure.
Now, to the story: By the beginning of March, #COVID19 had made its appearance in India and it had had its effect on the L&M—but naturally! He would come home from spending almost the entire day with kids from the slum clusters, teaching them, holding their copies, patting them on their back, playing with them. He would go straight to the bathroom to wash his hands, face and gargle. Exams were going on and panic had still not set in.
And then the lock-down started. At first, it was just looking at the world stats and shaking our heads, patting ourselves on the better stats in India and kidding ourselves that we had escaped the worst. Slowly the reality sank in and though he was still busy with his phone calls and doing Samaritan work of arranging rations for the needy and teaching by phone, there lurked the legendary L&M paranoia just under the surface, which can be stifling, suffocating and maddening. Ask the Brats about his fear of the fan falling on their heads!
We were fully shut in. The front door was opened by me only to take in the milk in the morning and put out the garbage at night. The L&M cleaned the knobs, the light switches, everything. Then one day, I found the handle of the bathroom wiper full of soap. Ditto with the taps, even the heater switch. I thought that he must have touched them with soapy hands and cleaned them. I confronted him on the fourth day.
‘I applied soap on them to keep them virus-free’, he said as if he had found the perfect solution to banish the hateful mites. I rolled my eyes so violently that I had a job, pulling them back in place.
Our housing society had told senior citizens to stay home and not venture out at all. Deliveries were not allowed up and we had to go down and collect them from the security. The L&M would be so jittery and give me suspicious looks as if I had touched ALL surfaces on the way down and up and was loaded with the virus. I would be nervous looking at his face, feeling as if I was doing something criminal, by not having a complete change of clothes after a bath for just going down the lift. Of course, I used to have my mask and gloves on.
Then I hit upon the idea of asking the guard to put the packets in the lift and send it up.
The vegetables were a different story.
They came up the lift as stated above. We left them in the bag for several hours. And then, I wore gloves and segregated them all into baskets and left them out.
‘I’ll wash them in the morning,’ he told me breezily. As if he would have trusted me to do a ‘proper’ job!
The first time, I found that he had soaked the vegetables in soap water! I had told him to use salt and haldi, but apparently, he trusted soap more than those and added that too for good measure. This time I didn’t have to roll my eyes. They had gone up into the socket on their own, and fortunately, also came back to place. They were getting used to the exercise as their owner was, I guess.
The vegetables and fruits would have screamed and any virus present on them would have sworn to leave our house strictly alone, informing their future generations to do the same, if they had escaped his ministrations. He scrubbed them within an inch of their lives. I had ordered bananas the first time and had to make panchamritam with the mashed pulp after being ‘washed’ by the L&M and the second time I ordered them again like a fool and had to make banana pancakes. The next time, I remembered to strike it off the list.
Now, the vegetables had to ‘air’ and ‘rest’ after the pummelling at the hands of the L&M. So, I got them to cook only 36 hours after getting delivery! Some of them have wilted by then, others look at me; ‘You too?’ they seem to ask reproachfully. The time delay also meant that I had to calculate the quantities and dates to the precise hour before ordering the next lot to avoid going without them in case I goofed up.
And oh, I forgot about the apples! The second lot of fruits came with apples that had the label ‘From Italian Alps’. That was the time when Italy was riding on the peak of corona pandemic with thousands losing their lives every day. The L&M was wild with worry. Any reassurance on my part that the labels were randomly printed and stuck by the local wholesaler to impress his ignorant clients, didn’t convince him nor my reminding him that apples are plucked months before they ripen and even if they had come from Italy, they would have come at least six months prior.
No use. He would look at the apple pieces with suspicion every time he ate them as if expecting a virus or two to stick their tongues out at him—if they had survived all the scrubbing and rubbing and ‘airing’, that is. If you ask me, they surely deserved to infect any human, after such treatment! Fortunately, the next batch was a local variety.
The poor younger Brat lugs all the groceries home but is not allowed to step into the house. He throws the stuff in a carton I have kept near the door, as the L&M, wearing his mask, hovers anxiously around to see that I am far enough from him. The boy is masked, gloved and yet….So he has begun sending up the stuff in the lift these days to prevent heart attacks to his father!
If there is a ring at the door, there is complete panic. ‘Don’t open the door!’ shouts the L&M from wherever he is! We speak through the two doors separating us, shouting at whoever is unfortunate enough to call on us to either deliver some stuff they have been good enough to bring for us from the market or give us the news updates of our housing society.
One of the updates some weeks ago was that the garbage won’t be collected at the door for some weeks. We had to go down to leave it at the gate, which is a good 30 m away.
Now go back and read the opening paras.
Have you read it? Ok, let me continue recounting my ordeal of the #GarbageRun.
I am supposed to come back from the ‘outing’ and go straight into the bathroom for a bath including washing of my hair! What if some virus is stuck on it, eh? The way he kept looking behind me anxiously, that first time, made me glance over my shoulders in confusion to see if some impudent virus had indeed followed me home!
I am discretely questioned as to meeting or talking to anyone on my way out and back. To avoid the inquisition, I set my alarm for 5 AM, so that I can go and return before anyone else comes out to spray me with COVID19 viruses. So, what if the stray dogs in the complex (there are at least 4) come behind me?
Since I can’t afford to wash my hair every day, I have to plan the garbage run meticulously to coincide with my hair-wash day. It also means that I have to prevent the wet waste stinking up the kitchen and put the peels out in the window balcony to dry out–to both reduce in weight and stench. That means more planning: I try to cut the musk melon the evening before I go to put out the garbage, as it stinks the most if left out. I have different trays to dry out the tea leaves, veg peels and fruit peels. So much planning over garbage leaves my head reeling. No kidding!
And finally, the departure itself. I change into my sari of course. There are some more preparations in addition to that: I fill up water in the buckets for my bath, keep the bathroom door open, the light on, my clothes and towels laid out in the bathroom–to avoid touching any of the above-said items in my ‘contaminated’ state.
When I come back, I feel anxious eyes following me all the way from the front door, as I slink to the bathroom, walking gingerly, just in case some virus fell from my clothes! Oh, torture!
And Tomorrow is THAT DAY!
Sigh.
Homepage image: https://www.thriftyfun.com/
This page: https://www.graphicmedicine.org/
The Cybernag 
[…] and connecting more actively with near and dear ones. I also used humour to deal with the paranoia of the L&M about the virus entering the house! I even found ‘change’ outside my window! I am glad […]
LikeLike
[…] the grocery shop on the way and get some bread for the breakfast the next day. Even going down to put out the garbage run was a high point in those […]
LikeLike
[…] lengthened, thanks in some part to the spread of the pandemic and thanks in large parts to the paranoia of the L&M, it became a little difficult. Not stepping out of the house at all was the most difficult part, […]
LikeLike
[…] When the festivals rolled around this year, I was not much worried. After all, despite the lockdown or unlock or whatever you want to call the chaos caused by the pandemic, I could order all the things I needed to celebrate them – all but the flowers. But, ‘flowers are available and get delivered at home too,’ you say? Well, I can watch my vegetables and fruits go through the ‘COVID-treatment’ at the hands of the L&M, but not bear to see delicate blooms being soaked in salt and soda water. If you don’t know what I am talking about, you’d better read my post about it. […]
LikeLike
It’s the same everywhere.. my brother advised all this, but I can’t do so much. Everyday some delivery comes, so my hubby goes down with bags and brings it and then we keep it for 24 hrs and then use it.. washing the hands is mandatory every time any one goes out.
LikeLike
Oh, but I am made to it all, under supervision! Anyway, it is better to be safe than sorry, isn’t it? Looks like we have to make a habit out of these motions too, as the virus is not going anywhere anytime soon.
LikeLike
This L&M post is a scream ! 🤣🤣🤣
I can’t stop laughing picturing you doing all the things you’ve described !😂😅
It’s been too long a gap since your last L&M post Zephyr…
Boy I just love your L&M posts..
LikeLike
This one is 100% true, Chits. If anything, I have underplayed it! The long gap is because I have not been THIS mad for a long long time!! I write my L&M posts only when I am really mad 😀
LikeLike
Oh, you will laugh! If you could only feel my angst! But then L&M is the favourite of my readers 😦
LikeLike
Zephyr too good description. The way you have put in the real life situation is so humorous,making it interesting to read.. It’s the situation with every home. The intensity of fear is so high, has started feeling suspicious about everything. The ‘IF’ factor is very strong. Old traditional so called ‘Madi-மடி’
Is surfacing back into practice in the new style as ‘Sanitization’. Its like old wine in the new bottle. I stopped venturing out, for the fear of washing clothes, taking bath etc etc. Disposing Garbage bag before taking bath. Zephyr Like you, I too keep everything ready in the bathroom, so that I need not touch anything. No doubt, this pandemic is making us see everybody else with fear and doubt.
Raajee
LikeLike
Looks like most of us are going through this ‘going back to old times’ routines. No maids, washing and more washing–madi in its strictest form!! I wish we could all make payments by e-transfers because bringing cash home is ‘dangerous’! While most people will start living again, we are doomed to wait till the cases come to 0! That is what the L&M is saying. Dunno whether to laugh or cry, Raji!
LikeLike
We have to emerge out of the paranoia and fear and get back to life, of course with reasonable precautions and safeguards. Apparently, unless a vaccine comes along soon, we all will be getting infected sooner or later. How we come out of it depends upon individual constitutions.
LikeLike
The story at most homes is similar, Zephyr but not everyone has the knack to express it in such a humorous manner.
LikeLike
Thank you Rahul. It does get a bit tedious though!
LikeLike
Thank you Rahul. It is humour born out of frustration 🙂
LikeLike
Though you have written the post in a hilarious manner,one cannot fail to discern the incredible extent this dreaded C virus has put fear in all of us.The TV with its 24×7 statistics and unsolicited interviews with ‘experts’, the flood of advice in whatsapp and FB all add to the scare so much that we suspect the virus lurking in every corner.
We must however thank god that we are now luckily in a position to wash all things with and without soap and can have shower more than once on the terrace or in the bathrooms with water in plenty.I shudder to think about the prospect of battling this virus in the coming days when water would become a rationed supply in water starved states..
LikeLike
You are so right. The (mis)information overkill is largely responsible for the paranoia in many people. As it is, staying home without any contact with the outside world save through the phone or video calls is driving many people crazy. And yes, like you, even I keep thanking God for all mercies, big and small that allow us to live in relative ease compared to so many who don’t have even the money to buy food.
LikeLike
Hahahaha….guessing the younger brat is Vineet….can immediately connect with everything 🤣🤣🤣….in my case it’s my wife who’s the L&M…..she has made me think of myself as some kind of Che, not for my deed of going out every night to leave foods for the dogs of our area but for the nightly baths on the terrace….she has actually conceived a wardrobe for me on the terrace so that I bath and change and then enter “Her” house 😂
“unless you count the possibility of seeing another human being–even if with their own garbage”….this line is giving me goosebumps….garbage, or baggage we may call…..how people around us affects us….how a happy face unconsciously brings a smile in our eyes, an angry person brings us fear, a sad face makes us feel all the negatives around XXL size…..this pandemic is making us see everybody else with fear and doubt….and it’s reciprocal too like the same pole of two magnets….repelling humans
LikeLike
Ha ha! I can imagine how it must be, having to take bath on the terrace! Thank God, I don’t have to go through that! But such a compassionate thing to do, feeding the stray animals! I am so gratified to see you pick that one line and expand on it so beautifully. But the first time I went down, I really wanted to see a familiar face, even behind a mask–to smile at, even from an acceptable distance. Thank you, Soumen!
LikeLike
I was laughing throughout, Aunty! Been so long since I read an L&M post.
Gosh, I wish I could say you should chat him some slack for trying to keep the two of you safe but I can imagine how this just be getting on your nerves by now.
Panchamritam, really?? 🙂 No virud would dare come near him. I’m sure they recognise an enemy. 😉
LikeLike
I have not written an L&M post in ages. I guess I was not mad enough with him to pen one till now 😀 I cut him all the slack. It is pointless doing anything else with the Lord and Master, you see!
LikeLike
Really nice post Aunty! Crazy times we are in.. but we tend to dial up the “craziness” through our own quirks and insecurities. I wish this could all be over soon, but looks like it is going to be a slow process. Wonder if its more painful for those fearing the virus for months or those living freely but ending up contracting it. I guess, as conservative middle class folks, we will always make the first choice 🙂
LikeLike
I remember the madi that our elders observed and how they shooed us to stay away from them. Actually, the elders and the very young children are most vulnerable and the rest, apparently would get it with mild symptoms to become immune to it. The former two categories are prone to get infected seriously. And that is uncle’s worry, esp since he also has a chronic bronchitis problem. Good to see you here, Venkat!
LikeLike
बहुत ही खूबसूरत ब्लॉग पोस्ट है, मजा आ गया पढ़कर|
LikeLike
Aur meri haalat dekh kar taras nahi aayi? 😦
LikeLike
Bahahaah….I can imagine him do all of it and more than that :D…Next time, send him to the trash ritual 😉 More or less the same story here also…the day I went to Indian store marks 6 weeks for today. I am dreading to make that trip fearing the scrubbing, scouring process that’s going to follow…:( Mom stitched and posted some masks for us…they arrive tomorrow…until then, looks like he is not going to enter any stores…,I am wearing Garden gloves and going and leaving them in the car itself….I wish ‘IT’ dies for the heat in the car till our next trip..
LikeLike
You know him well and so can believe it all, can’t you? I guess there are specimens of both L&M and me in most houses in these corona times! Next time, bring the gloves in and soak them in soap water for an hour and hang to dry. Why take chances? See, the effect has rubbed off on me too! 😀
LikeLike