Would I live with my children in my old age? You are kidding me, right? I mean, with a name like Cybernag and a reputation to match, can it even be contemplated? And don’t forget the L&M, who still believes he is the Lord and Master!
It is not just the nagging. There are a million and one things to consider-both by me and my kids. We literally inhabit different worlds with different body and real-time clocks. Let us take the sleep schedule for instance. I start the day when they are winding up and going to bed. Once I had found the elder one eating his dinner at 4 am — dinner, for heaven’s sake! He said he had been working one something and missed it!
Having woken up, one needs the morning cuppa and while at it, if a spoon clatters to the ground and jolts the kids awake, can it be helped? The chanting and kapalbhati of the L&M can wake up not just the kids but neighbours too. I have a playlist of shlokas for every day of the week and often chant along. And though I play it softly, it can be loud in the stillness of the morning.
And the food: We tell the kids, ‘Don’t worry about us, we will eat what you do.’ And we do, both of us being fond of all kinds of food. We eat and enjoy it all too – from pav bhaji to pasta, to waffles to momos. But a few meals later the stomach whines for rasam and curd rice. The spirit (and tongue) is willing but the stomach has a mind of its own, you see!
Jokes apart, there are some points that I would like to share here about getting older and the changes that accompany the process – both physical and emotional. I had penned a long series on growing old and the accompanying problems and issues. It had been a well-researched series with possible solutions to current scenarios and individual problems, but all through the series the invisible strand that ran was our own personal predicaments. I was conveying a message to my own family and kids about the impending changes in our lives. (Do read the series 1, 2, 3, 4, 5).
Coming back to the current post, with vastly different routines and sometimes lifestyles – especially if they already have separate homes – it is impractical to expect the two generations to live under one roof. Added to the cramped urban spaces and paucity of time, the members literally get in each other’s way if not actually underfoot, and soon begin getting on each other’s nerves. Let us be frank, while it is important to let go of adult children to live their own lives, offering advice or suggestions only when asked, living close makes it very difficult. Most parents have learnt to pull away from the day-to-day lives of their children over the years, but sometimes even normal parental concern can be seen as interference, causing stress. I wouldn’t blame either generation for this situation.
Lucky are those who can afford to live in their separate homes, but when financial constraints necessitate them to live under the same roof, the onus falls mostly on the older generation to make the major adjustments and compromise needed for harmonious living. The best thing is to leave the decision to individual families to work out the ideal solution of eldercare.
I firmly believe that relationships like plants, flourish best when there is some space for them to breathe and grow.
That said, elders need to develop and sustain some hobby or activity even while in their youth or middle age, so that it is easy to keep themselves occupied physically, mentally and spiritually as they age. In the absence of any such activity, parents usually begin to look to their children and grandchildren for emotional sustenance, making them the sole focus of their attention. That is when the problem begins: the youngsters feel pressured and shy away, which makes the elders feel rejected. This is one thing that can be blamed solely on the elders.
We might not be so dedicated as Padma awardee Salumarada Thimmakka — over 100-yrs-old — who has planted thousands of banyan trees till date or Kame Gowda, who till his 84th year had dug 42 ponds and is still continuing! Nor is it necessary to take up an outlandish hobby like rock-climbing or para-jumping in one’s old age to prove one’s ‘youth’ to the world. Normal activities like cooking, teaching the underprivileged children (like the L&M has been doing for several years now), attending satsangs, doing puja-path, joining yoga or meditation groups or taking up an old hobby one had to give up during the busy years of raising kids and holding down a job – can all work fine.
Reading is one eternal hobby which anyone can take up at any age. Add writing to it, as one can share one’s experiences with the world and if one is a professional, even better. Writing a book has never been easier what with a plethora of editing and marketing services to get one’s work out in print! I remember reading a book called ‘From Age-ing to Sage-ing,’ by Zalman Schachter-Shalomi and Ronald S. Miller, which explains the wonderful concept of turning into an ‘elder’ to guide the younger generations.
But most important of all things, is to have some form of regular physical exercise, be it walking, yoga or both, to keep mentally and physically fit. But what if illnesses plague one in old age? Well, in such cases, the individual family in consultation with the elder has to take the right decision for their care, as I have detailed in my series.
Me? Well, Independence is my middle name and I would like to be independent as long as I can. I lost vision in one eye about a decade and a half ago, after making the ‘pilgrimages’ to all major eye hospitals in the country for years. With the vision in the other eye not being too good either, I still wouldn’t allow my family to become over-protective or to restrict my movements. I am proud to say that I have undertaken international travel alone, at a time when I had to use a magnifying glass to read even the boarding gate number! I must say that I have managed pretty well, working around the problem, asking for help whenever I need it without self-consciousness.
It is not that we don’t love spending time with our children and their families and cherish our time with our granddaughter. But we prefer our own place, routines, activities and space. Of course, I will be there if my children need my help at any given time, which would require living with them on a prolonged basis. I try to follow most of the points I have discussed above, so that makes it easier for me. I am blessed with a variety of interests, chiefly, writing and reading. And there are my shloka chanting and pooja routines as well to sustain me spiritually.
I pray to God to keep me on my feet and active as long as I am alive. And towards that end, I will go on cutting my coat according to the cloth, as I age.
A version of this post was first published here
Pix: Homepage: https://www.goabroad.com/ Salumarada Thimmakka: https://www.bbc.com/
Read all the parts. 1-5.
Very interesting takes, neutral and mature perspectives on both sides. Staying with my MIL, yes a ton of it resonates. And I don’t have kids, and in this particular context, I end up thinking confusion solved. No confusion of even having to think whether to stay or not. But my siblings and friends, people from my generation, becoming very much inclined towards absolutely not staying with children. One aspect I think is also there which is lightly touched upon in #4 is what you have called ‘rotation’ among siblings.
I think there’s also a lot of ‘selfishness’ if you will where all the responsibility of care is taken up by one sibling and the others absolutely dust their responsibility away. Content with making once a week calls. I’m seeing it a whole lot. From friends to family, and that I think also adds to resentment.
There’s so little intent or effort put in to take up even intermittent responsibility like a couple of months a year or a weekend a month leaving no space for the couple who does take care. Plus I think what also happens is the 2-3 weeks in a couple of years that the other siblings come visit it’s all fun and jolly and then it’s back to routine. So there’s always this feeling of comparison that the other son or daughter are so nice to them. I’ve seen this in more than one house. But I feel it’s natural to become usual selves and not keep up a perennial chirpy and helpful attitude years on years.
There’s also people where all children relocate abroad and where they expect a neighbour, of the same age as the siblings, to take care of their parents. Calling them up at odd times of the day. I have a friend who moved back to stay closer to his parents but feels like other parents in the society have adopted him since he’s always running around for them and their kids are abroad.
Another solution could also be a 24*7 maid or nurse or care giver who stays with the older people. This is doable if the parent does not wish to leave their house and move elsewhere but also needs to be taken care of.
I wish more people were more mature and open to ideas and not take it personally when asked for a break of a week or so. Nothing against but I do think everyone’s entitled to a break once in a while.
I’ve also seen super selfish children exploiting parents when they stay with them, the parents always running behind them getting their clothes washed, making juice, packing their dabba and getting exhausted. My only thought on this to the parents also is, please don’t. But who would listen to me 😂
I think the ‘going to the US for the kid ke baby ka delivery’ is referred to, in a lot of circles, as the A visa. Basically the Ayah visa. And the parents keep going. They split. They don’t like it. But they do it out of a sense of obligation and of course, love for their child. And I think don’t children in US have babies? How do they manage? Ever seen their parents or in laws run around? They manage and they also join back work in a month. I think in some things my generation is a very self centered generation too. Unfortunately fueled by parents who are further mollycoddling their grown up children too.
Anyway these were nice reads! It’s always nice to be able to hear a practical, mature non emotional view of things that allows you to ponder those and think through.
Well articulated and agree with your views Zephyr
It is always a great pleasure to read your articles. You are brilliant Thanga !!!!. We all share the same feelings , but you are gifted to put across our feelings very aptly. I totally agree with you and in my daily life , most of the things you have said, I implement too. We all love our children. Our parents were different and at times difficult too. But we are different from today’s generation. So , it is best to be independent. Even Spouse at tj8s age needs space. Thank you for such a nice write up and enlightening us. Keep writing good things and instill positive thoughts in all our minds. World has become so selfish, violence, hatred , no love. People
write gossips, a lot of rubbish. When articles like yours, come like a breath of fresh air, we get joy, a sense of contentment and peace, so important for us.
Zephyr Very well put forth the reality of the generation gap. dependence-independence-inter dependence. The new mantra which started is ‘space’. which was unheard before. All that, most of us know about space was ,’ physical space to live’. But now the very definition has taken a new meaning. Now the new version of space is ‘ Psychological space’. We all need some quiet time for ourselves to reflect back, to talk to oneself, journey inward etc. you need a space to give time to yourself. It requires great mindset to plan about your old age adjustments.Especially when you have been independent for so many years and when the time to live with your children,or any other relations arises, easy to be said than done.There are two ways you can look into. Firstly having lived independently for so many years-‘ you love to flow with them’ or ‘Live let live’. As we age, it will be healthy not only for us but for the others also in the family, Its fine,if we have some hobby of our own that gives us pleasure. With good circle of friends – you will add life to years. Otherwise you get a feeling of adding years to life.
A very practical post especially for the present times when the concept of joint family has vanished for valid reasons. To live separately without acrimony and yet to be helpful on both sides is the way to go without any regret.
But it is possible only when there is financial adequacy and one is reasonably in good health. Your tips, about cultivating varied interests when one is middle aged, are useful and saving for old age along with medical insurance is also essential.
In a few cases where it is not possible to live independently for health or financial reasons, the aged members should learn to be content with much tolerance for real or imagined shortcomings in others.
This is so balanced and well written! Always a joy to read you. I totally get what you are saying. I cherish my Independence way too much and don’t see myself living with the kids permanently. Same is what works with my mil. She cherishes her Independence too much and has her pooja and other routines, not to mention waking up very early. 😊
A thought provoking post and quite steadfast and adamant (that being my second name) with similar views. Though we have made lives freer for individuals and given them the space, to live and think independently and in the bargain created our own, I can see that the children of today are cocooned and cloistered that have made them vulnerable to blind corners of life,
So bang on, Zephyr. I ponder over the delicate dynamics of two generations (sometimes more if the older one hasn’t moved with times) living under the same roof and for the very similar reasons you have so beautifully written feel it can get so messy and ugly. Many parents spend their lives living for the rest of the family members and fail to cultivate any hobby.
I will read your growing older series.