So, what do all the ‘advice’ columns, YouTube videos, Insta feeds, and WhatsApp forwards mean by giving gyan in bulleted lists to elders on how they should live, behave, and act in their senior years? Life, especially in the advanced years, fraught with physical and other kinds of challenges cannot be ordered into a set pattern by reading or watching these ‘helpful’ hints, which are supposed to motivate elders to adopt them and change their lives magically.
So, listen up — both young and old internet and WA gyanis, and especially younger ones! It is the latter among you that need to follow some of the advice you dish out. You are the ones who should be developing healthy interests and pastimes that would carry you smoothly through your golden years. In Tamil there is a proverb that roughly translated, means ‘The seedling exhibits the characteristics of the growing plant.’ Unless the character flaws are fixed while still young, and good habits cultivated, they will certainly not appear magically in old age, nor would forwards and videos on old age etiquette help fix the problems many seniors face. But worst, they are so condescending, even scurrilous — about ‘what-to-do’, telling them that age is just a number. Hmph….I would call this ‘age-shaming’ and not motivating!
I am giving it back to you gyani guys – a bulleted list, if you please! A list of why all your ‘what-to-do’ lists are mostly counterproductive. Tit for tat did you say? You bet!
- When a young boy or girl is averse to physical activity, it is unrealistic to expect that person to take up physical exercise in their old age. For one, all the disorders connected to inactivity must have made home in their bodies, including obesity, making it even more unattractive for an elder to get up and move, if not dancing or jogging!
- A teen who is quarrelsome or a bully cannot be changed into an angelic, accommodating person in their old age. They can only change from ‘quarrelsome’ to ‘cantankerous’ or a ‘curmudgeon’. So there!
- A child who doesn’t like art and hobbies cannot just up and pick up the brush and easel, or take up some leisure activity as a senior. Go out there and sow the seeds, young man!
- If you are a whiner as a kid, you’d most certainly grow up into a gloomy adult and later an elder — complaining about anything and everything.
- A selfish child will most probably grow up into a self-centred adult and become even more so in old age, demanding and being impossible.
- An introvert who loves being alone or enjoys solitary pastimes can’t grow up into a gregarious, partying senior or vice versa. It will most certainly lead to depression or worse.
- And then there is the EGO, which all children have by default, and which seems to grow with age till it becomes huge by the time a person hits the golden years.
I could go on and on but let me stop here. To be fair, it is possible that while growing up, such children might change, both for the better or for worse — imbibe better habits, tone down their temperaments and generally make positive changes to their lives. This could be due to the pressures of home, work and relationships. While the person’s basic nature might not change to something different, it sometimes can change form into something positive, productive or at least less harmful or irritating. And there is also the possibility that healthy and good habits are picked up with the intent of changing into a better version of oneself. We have all heard of ‘Old habits die hard,’ though it might have been said for the not-so-desirable habits but it can apply to good ones too.
Which is why it is important to cultivate good and healthy habits in childhood itself. Don’t they say, ‘’You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?’
Having said that, let me talk for myself. I was very fortunate to have inherited the genes for reading and writing – the love of the written word, in short. It stands me in good stead even today. Having never been the extroverted type I have always enjoyed my own company and a spot of solitude, now and then. I like being among loved ones and friends, but certainly won’t make myself sick pining for company. Come to think of it, I might not be comfortable for extended periods of time surrounded by people! So, when I am told to get out there and take part in social activities, I am not comfortable. You see, elders are supposed to ‘let go’ and enjoy life! Only these gyanis forget that the sense of enjoyment differs from person to person. I even tried listening to the ‘bulleted list’ brigade and began experimenting with some handicraft. Needless to say, it didn’t last long as I have two left thumbs. Read about it here.
I am not the only one trying to adapt to life as a senior, with limitations and difficulties. There are so many elders today, who are striving hard to catch up with the fast-changing world and its demands, whether living at home with children, with their spouses or alone, or even in senior citizen facilities. Learning to use smartphones and other gadgets, apps for shopping, booking cabs, and doing other stuff, might look simple to many, but believe me, they can be intimidating to a whole lot of others. They deserve a big thumbs up for doing it. We don’t hear about them all, as they are doing it silently without ‘sharing’ their life on insta and other SM platforms.
Many elders turn towards spirituality and religious activities, sometimes taking them up for the first time in their lives. Yoga and meditation, online shloka and Gita classes among others, are the go-to pursuits for many in today’s online world. I see so many seniors focusing on rekindling old or finding new passions and interests, forming support groups, getting immersed in group activities and so on, so as to not depend too much on their children and grandchildren for emotional and physical support. Many, like I, have come to realise that nostalgia is a useless pastime, guaranteed to make one yearn for something that is never coming back, and would not be practical even if it did, turning the person indulging in it to become sad or even bitter at times.
Finally, a word for all those online gyanis offering advice to us seniors: If you are a youngster, see to it that you first adopt all the advice you are dishing out, teaching your kids and practising them yourself. It will make your own lives easier, later! And if you do have something valuable to make an elder’s life more enriching, give a list of ‘How’s’ instead of a stentorian and judgmental ‘What’s.’ Because many out there are genuinely puzzled about the hows of not only the ever-changing gadgets and apps, but also on ‘how-to’ behaviour tips, never having been trained in those. They would greatly appreciate some pointers. Even bulleted lists are fine!
And oh, stop telling me that age is just a number and that I should go bungee jumping, because much older folks than I are doing it, — ‘cos I won’t, ! And for your information, that is a ‘what-to-do’ item, which I have said, is strictly a no-no for elders, remember?
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The Cybernag 
Very well presented. You are right in a way. What problem I am facing is different I suppose. The other day I wanted to travel to Pune by bus but both of my children gave me the advise to go by car. So my reaction was that now do have I to take permission from you that how should I travel. The answer was to some extent right. They said in childhood you used to guide us and took care of us. Now you have to listen to our advises. So laughingly I had to go by bus but I took my driver with me to assist me. 😁
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And another comment from my dear friend KP.
Excellent post about the bulleted list. I read it just now. If the non-seniors follow your advice not to send the bullet list and instead follow them themselves , the number of WA msgs would tumble down drastically.
Your suggestion to facilitate seniors learn and adapt to the changes in usage, new apps, shortcuts and the system through’ How to’ msgs is highly welcome.
You write naturally, beautifully and clearly.
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Thank you so much for the comment KP. So glad you like the topic and for your fulsome praise for my writing 🙂 And yes, the forwards would diminish in number if they just realised how they are spamming our inboxes! I would also like the elders to share their experiences and how they are dealing with the challenges of the times, and overcoming them, both physical and mental. For they are doing it, alright.
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I don’t want to say much on your original post. It needs discussion 🙂
But just wanted to share my thought on being ‘bindaas’. I think @Mani is right in saying you are bindaas too.
I feel ‘bindaas’ is an attitude – you are bindaas to share so much from your thoughts and personal life. I too write once in a while but only for myself. I am not comfortable sharing it for the world to see.
But yes, maybe I am bindaas about travelling, going on treks, not really bothered too much on my looks nor about what people say about me.
You are aware I am not young anymore. Am I an elder? Maybe.
In replying to your post, I tried to come out of my ‘comfort’ zone, so to say. I changed myself a wee bit. It always takes efforts to change oneself.
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So good to see you here, Jyoti. Looking forward to the promised discussion 🙂
I guess interpreting the word bindaas is different. And yes, you are bindaas in many ways though only you would know how much! You are not an elder yet and have along way to go! Sharing my life and experiences is just so that it may find resonance with others in similar circumstances and elicit their response. My posts in the past few years are very expressive and you can say that I am just putting them down for my own reference, as there is hardly any interaction in the comments section these days!
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From my friend Rajeshwari Chandrashekharan. She is unable to post comments as WP is not allowing her to, and so has asked me to do it for her.
“The bulleted list of gyaan by all these social platforms, I think, it is causing more confusion than clarity. It’s said, ‘ little knowledge is a dangerous thing’ but now I think too much knowledge is a dangerous thing. Previously, the aged people used to advise younger ones, and we all used to respect and follow. Now it’s in reverse order. Younger generations whom we all named as smart generations think they know everything, and the one standard saying is, you don’t know about outside world sharks. You were the fish in the aquarium. At times, it makes us proud and most of the time, so annoying. Good habits should be cultivated from a young age.
Popular saying in tamil, ‘ஐந்தில் வளையாதது ஐம்பதில் வளையுமா’ .Also, ‘Be the kind of parents you want your child to be’.
We always try to make others do but don’t practice ourselves.
That’s the whole problem. Good things, we have to make it happen. Bad things happens by itself. It’s effortless. It’s so true, ‘ old dogs can’t be taught new tricks’. Age is just a number. I, too, don’t agree. It’s just consoling ourselves. Body clock shows it. I think we are the lucky generation who have seen both older days life style and present times lifestyle filled with stress.”
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Thank you for allowing me to publish your comment, Raji! As always, you have something valuable to add to the post. One of the things that our generation has accepted is that we have let the younger generation to make its own decisions even if we feel they are not the right ones. In short, not interfere in their ways. But the generation gap is there still, as the expectations are now different from our times!
The worst kind of comments from these gyanis is, ‘IT is all in your mind!’ and of course, ‘Age is just a number.’ I have blogged about both these too.
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Empathize deeply!
And sometimes, isn’t it a wonderful feeling when we’re able or lucky enough to match (or even beat) these young whippersnappers at their own game(s)?! About 10 years ago, when I was a mere 58, I played music at a jam pad with a couple of equally ‘young’ friends (we had a rock band in school days!). And one day, exhausted but happy, we cadaverous, white-haired, long-toothed guys emerged from the jam room to find a bunch of youngsters waiting their turn outside with heavy-duty music equipment. They gaped at us awhile, till one exclaimed: “Hey you old guys are goooood!” How we laughed…they were nice kids actually, turned out they were from one of the most popular ‘death metal’ bands in Delhi … 🙂
Might I add: I think the mistake many of us ageing adults make is trying to ‘play along’ with youngsters, to struggle to look and behave young ourselves, instead of simply doing what we like doing, bindaas, and respecting the rights and privileges of the youngsters to create their own new world and do things their own, often utterly contrarian ways…?
More power to thy pen!
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You are perfectly right Mani, about doing what we want to do bindaas. Again, bindaspan has to have been there since your young years, else it won’t come easily in old age. I can never be bindaas, for instance. And those of us who try to act young and appear ‘cool’ are perhaps the ones who have been age-shamed to do it and come out looking awkward. I bet many of them would be feeling that way too! What say?
I enjoyed imagining you and your friends’ band aweing the kids. It must have been so good to have made them see the talent of your group! Only, I hope they didn’t go holding you guys as a model to be followed by other seniors, in one of their bulleted lists 😀
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Only one who is bindaas’ could write “I can never be ‘bindaas’!! Seriously, to simply be oneself (rather than be the image of the being that one thinks friends and others want one to be) is really hard…for me it’s even now a work in progress, a daily battle! And I can only imagine how much harder it must be for today’s young, saturation-bombarded with too much information and too little knowledge, no time to think leave alone reflect…and the pressures of conforming with the Herd that social media inflicts on all of us…
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I think you are quite wrong in assuming that I am bindaas, though as you have said, it is a work in progress. No matter how ‘knowledgeable and wise the younger gens are, they will have to go through the same process of realisation that we did, before they come to the conclusions that we have. I guess it is a natural process of inner growth. Till then we have to endure their bulleted lists 😀
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Oh, thank you Prema, for liking and sharing! I was wondering if it was a little over the top 😀
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Superb piece ! Completely resonates with me. Sharing with a few of my friends ! Hope you have been doing good ?
Prema Raghuraman
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