The other day, I wanted to know how to do some troubleshooting on my desktop. By force of habit, I messaged the younger one. Pat came the reply: ‘Not sure. Google for the solution.’

Sigh!

Of course, sweet that he is, he called back later to find out if I had been able to resolve the issue. He usually did this and if I had not found the solution, offered some ideas. He does troubleshooting for me, sometimes even through TeamViewer, when he was in another city. But mind you, only if I could not do it by myself.

And yet, I know that if his father had called with some doubt, he would have either cleared it or referred it back to me to solve! After all he has enough experience with the man-handy that his father is. (Read all about how the man I married is not a handyman but a man-handy.) If I still asked him why his father gets a special treatment while I have to find my own solution, he would say with the most disarming smile, ‘Because you can do it.’

I remember once complaining to my mother-in-law about the workload I was saddled with, while my Lord and Master (her son) took it easy. She had listened quietly and nodded wisely, telling me that it was because I had shown what I was capable of, and so was being taken advantage of by him! That I was appalled by the reply would be an understatement, because were I not to have not done the work, it would have remained undone!

Or was that my ego telling me to do the work? To answer myself, I think it is indeed the ego which eggs one on to taking upon oneself more work than one could handle. It took very little time to realise that the ego boost is disproportionate because often one is manipulated into doing something difficult or problematic, either through flattery or since no one else wants to do something that needs to be done. I was reading this interesting article about the trap of ‘strong women’ or independent women, which had set me off on this post.

Independence is never absolute. It is mostly relative and subjective. It can mean different things to different people, at different periods in one’s life, and is often conditional. I would equate the term with self-sufficiency — fending for oneself.

Often it is financial independence one talks about while speaking of being independent, especially with reference to a woman. Being able to earn enough and spend as per their wishes and needs. While it is no doubt a great feeling to be financially independent, one still is dependent on others – be it emotional or physical support. Trying to do everything by oneself is almost impossible. How this can lead to mental and physical health issues merits a separate post.

We are all inter-dependent at best, and the dependence is not only on close relatives or friends, but on so many people in our daily lives — some of whom might be complete strangers. And I am not even beginning to speak of other living beings and inanimate things here. So, when someone says they are independent, it only means that they are not dependent on their parents/children/spouse/family. Such independence is not a positive one since it involves cutting off, or at least straining close relationships. Even someone living alone in a deserted island cannot claim to be independent. There are other living beings around, and Nature’s bounties that make living by oneself possible.

A child or someone who is unwell, or needs special care, are obviously not independent. Going by this logic, and at my age, If I can take care of my physical needs and do my own work that is some measure of independence. If I can run my home the way I want, it is a great feeling of liberation. If I can travel by myself, go out shopping alone, manage my bank accounts either on or offline, well, that is independence too, to some extent. I thank God for making me a little tech-savvy – enough to keep my phone and computer in running order!

What I put at a premium when I talk of independence, especially as we grow old, is space – both physical and emotional. Not being emotionally dependent is the best kind of independence, one that is grossly underrated. Over the past couple of decades, I have become more pragmatic about my ability to fulfil some of my wishes. To this end, I am consciously trying to reduce my yearnings — especially if they involve being dependent on someone else to be fulfilled.

There was a time when I used to sniff disdainfully when people confessed to being unable to do any outdoor work by themselves, including even going to the market or travelling anywhere. It was not long before I realised how judgmental and critical my attitude was and made haste to throw off my judgmental hat to try and understand their predicament. Perhaps they were too timid and vulnerable to travel alone; perhaps they had been over-protected or exploited to make them diffident and unsure of themselves; maybe they had some medical problem that made it difficult for them to venture out alone. Perhaps they were lucky to have someone take things off their mind and leave them free to enjoy things…There could be any number of reasons. Who was I to judge?

Make no mistake: being independent is hard work. It means making decisions, doing a lot of things without any help, often even having to learn how to do them before attempting them. There are responsibilities and accountability. There is blame when things do not go right, but do not expect praise if things turn out dandy. But I have always felt that the rewards – of being independent in whatever limited sense I have outlined above — far outweigh the losses and difficulties.

It has been nearly two decades since I lost sight in one eye but I have continued doing pretty much everything except driving. I have travelled alone by train, bus, and plane, including travelling abroad twice. Some years ago, when I was a victim of chain snatching, I remember my family wanting me to restrict going out alone, since the chain snatchers had come from my blind side, and I had missed seeing them. I had been shaken but not scared to go alone and had put my foot down saying that I would be more cautious but not give up going out by myself.

It can be tough, but along the way, I have learnt to live within my limitations by asking for help, whether it is for directions or to cross the road. I have discovered that people largely are nice and helpful, sometimes going the extra mile to help. I have also learned to cut the coat according to the cloth with the sight becoming progressively worse. I avoid being adventurous or foolhardy, knowing what I can or cannot do both inside and outside the home.

I know it is best to never say ‘never’ as the Universe has a way of bonking you on the head for being smug and presumptuous. So I won’t. But here is my fervent prayer to be able to remain as independent as possible, as long as I am alive.

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