The Changing Face of Parenthood

I pulled this out from my archives to share with the young parents of today who deserve all the appreciation they can get. Read on to find out why.

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Parenting has been getting tougher with the passing generations. When we were kids, large joint families were still the norm and the children grew up with several siblings and cousins and uncles and aunts galore. While some sets of parents were stricter with their children when it came to disciplining, the general rules were set and everyone was expected to follow them.  Going by the way my generation has turned out, I think our parents did a good job, don’t you think?

In small towns and villages, children roamed free and sometimes even ate in the house they were playing in at the time of a particular meal! Children were also allowed to mix freely with the neighborhood children. This still happens in such places where people know and feel comfortable with each other.  The only difference today is that the mother of the family where your child might be, would call and inform you that your son or daughter would be having lunch at her place! Contrast this with the formality involved wherein we have to get an appointment even to call someone on the phone, lest we ‘disturb’ them!

Though not so relaxed as my parents’ generation, mine too took the  bringing up of kids in its stride. We took care to  involve them in special activities, introduced them to the joys of reading and planned outings and trips with the aim of giving them the exposure the changing times demanded. The large joint family had given way to the ‘nuclear’ joint family, with our kids growing up with their grandparents and making yearly visits to their uncles and aunts.

I was happy if my kids had eaten at their friends’ house (usually eating better than what they might have eaten at home) and would gladly return the favour for the neighbour who had fed them. During my visits to my parents in the village when my elder son was a toddler, I would often not see him from the time he had his bath and breakfast in the morning till late in the evening – all grimy and dusty from playing under the trees and in sundry houses of his ‘friends’ and admirers! Needless to say he would not have missed a single meal or the mandatory glass of milk in the evening.

By contrast, today’s parents have a tough job raising kids. Often coming from small families themselves, with just another sibling or even being a single child, they don’t have much opportunity to see small children at close quarters or participate in activities of raising a child. Nuclear families are the norm now, with grandparents having become part-time ones — either they visit their children and get to spend some time with their grandchild (yes, most are single-child families now), or have them visit for short periods.

Parents today have to contend with dangers that were unheard of in the olden days or at that had at least not assumed such horrific proportions.

When I used to travel by train with my young boys, I would happily allow them to play with a friendly co-passenger; did not worry too much if I couldn’t pack food for the entire journey, relying on the train food or what was available at stations to fill the gaps; ignored the racket when they tore around the compartment with a bunch of other kids. Though the cold virus was always a danger, one was not so worried about the likes of swine flu and such, that make parents think twice and thrice about  exposing their children to sundry co-passengers today.

When we were  travelling in the interiors of Tamil Nadu during a pilgrimage some time back, a group of girls oohed and aahed over my little granddaughter and one of them patted her cheek. Had it been a quarter century ago, I would have felt thrilled that my child had brought joy to someone, but that day we were all agitated. What if the girl was carrying a virus or two? What if her hands had been dirty? You understand what I mean, don’t you?

We hear so many horror stories of molesters that we have to be wary of everyone we meet. Deviant behaviour is rampant and one has to be constantly vigilant about safeguarding the children of both sexes from any such person. So naturally we look at everyone with suspicion and teach the kids to be a wary of strangers even if they smile at them, chuck their chins or try to touch them.

It makes it all very stressful for the parents. One of my friends used to go to the bus stop at the end of the road to drop and pick her daughter up till she was almost a teenager for fear of eve-teasers and perverts lurking about.

Then the schooling itself. It used to be a relaxed five years before one went to school in my time and three and half years in the time of my children. Today ‘play schools’ and Montessori’s have advanced it to an unbelievable 18 months of daily sessions. Children are given ‘tests’ before being admitted even to play school, when they are asked their names, alphabets, colours and rhymes and God knows what else. Though the better known schools have supposedly dispensed with such tests, the rest still follow them. My father never came for any school admission in our days since admissions were easy. Today parents are interviewed, given tests separately and the replies tallied for any discrepancies — even while discretely gauging their incomes!

Present generation children are so much smarter and sharper than their predecessors  that they require the parents to be on their toes just to answer their questions satisfactorily — to the children that is! I have seen my son and daughter-in-law take care even to regulate their activities including TV viewing so that their child is not affected by them. And most of the young parents today give a lot of thought to what their kids are watching and reading and even observing! I don’t remember being so vigilant when my boys were younger! That of course could also be due to the fact that information and books were not available so freely and we could oversee what they were consuming.

As disposable incomes and standards of living are going up, parents have to grapple with keeping up with the Joneses when it comes to buying things for their children, the amount of pocket money to give and the places they take them to on vacations. Children have to face an incredible amount of peer pressure too, which they pass on to their parents. Sometimes things work in the reverse too, but this post is not about those situations.

In short, what used to be just a routine thing for my parents’ generation, became a little more involved with mine but has become a lot more complicated and tougher today.

All things considered, I would say that this generation has risen to the challenge admirably. I think it is unfair to compare it with my or even older generation of parents and find it wanting, for this generation has more things to contend with than the older ones ever did. Kudos to you, young parents of today!

Homepage image: www.examiner.com

62 comments

  1. Hi Zephyr, great post. I am a woman in my late 20’s, not a parent yet, but I have thought, a couple of times, about the kind of parent I want to be. With career being my entire world at the moment, I sometimes wonder if I can give the same attention, love, care and values as my parents did. I think a lot of what I am today comes from the fact that my parents have put in a lot of effort into making me what I am. However, I do believe that parents today are able to multi task better, have more resources available and have learnt smarter ways of parenting. The trick lies in striking a balance between the traditional way and modern way of parenting.

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    1. It has always been a fine balance between one’s work, family and kids and other interests. As for multi-tasking, we used to do it too, only the tasks were different 🙂 And we had less gadgets but more stuff to do — all at once! It is important to take one’s time to get down to becoming a parent, because unless one is emotionally prepared for the task, it would seem an uphill task. I know of many women who waited many years before they decided on motherhood and have been great mothers 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is again a very important post about the state of parenting today and how it was in the past couple of generations. It is also a very relevant post to me especially. I agree… things have really changed and life has become complicated in many respects. I too miss the simplicity and beauty of just enjoying life in carefree abandon. I hope I give my child the space and time to stop and enjoy the little pleasures of life. Beautifully written.

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    1. Just follow your instincts and those of Shalini and you are set! It will all come automatically. Not to say that you will be floored from time to time, but I am sure you will get around the problem to help your daughter. If not, she well demand, make you see and find a way out! Children are getting smarter by the day 🙂

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  3. Yes, the trust has been sacrificed at the altar of suspicion these days. Now accepting a chocolate from a kind and friendly uncle is something our kids are prevented to do.Sigh how times have changed. Today’s kids have to deal and resist bigger desires, bigger peer pressure, they are spoilt for choices which we never had but inspite of the technological advances, their hurdles to live a full but simple life are greater. Beautiful post Zephyr.

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    1. I don’t envy this generation of parents at all. While my mother’s generation never appreciated the challenges we had faced (yes it gets harder with every passing generation), ours is more understanding. We defer to the younger generation’s wisdom in raising their children. The only danger is that many are becoming over protective, unwilling to take any chances. That can be harmful to the children, as it makes them falsely safe.

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  4. Well written!

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    1. Thank you Rashminotes!

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  5. Today’s parents have a lot more in their hands that what they might have originally signed up for. Since things have changed, surroundings, familiarity and security, the carefree innocent days have paved way for a careful, always-on-alert days. Things keep changing as the years go by and as you have mentioned, parenting ways have changed and the new generation parents are indeed doing a great job!

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    1. You have neatly put everything in a nutshell, Ashwini!

      nd Congrats to you 🙂

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  6. jaishvats · · Reply

    Ever since I became a mother I feel like a pressure Cooker Zephyr and you have rightly pointed out some of the complexities of today’s parenting… The last line made me smile…thanks

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    1. Oh Jayashree! You made me laugh as I imagined a giant cooker whistling behind her kids trying not to burst 😀 We had to deal with some issues that had not been there in our parents’ generation too, but now things have become way too difficult all round.

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  7. It would be a blessing if we had had more elders like you Aunty! I’ve had it so many times…I didn’t do this for my boys…or I wasn’t as obsessed like you are…..but times have changed and so has the need for parenting.
    We’d love it if people understood that this stress isn’t something we enjoy. It has been thrust upon us. We want our kids to get the love and affection too!

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    1. Oh, there are many elders like me around, only they might not be actively blogging 🙂 While it is important to stress over issues like safety, health and certain other things, it is also important to let up on stuff like excellence in studies, extra curricular activities and competition in general, of which this generation is equally if not more obsessed with. Just relax and let the kids know you trust them 🙂

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  8. It’s fascinating to watch the evolution of parenting across just three generations and perhaps in less than 50 years. Change certainly comes in leaps and bounds. I do miss a good deal of the things I grew up with : extended family being a stone’s throw away, walking freely to the corner shop, walking to school 3kms away. It was never questioned, debated or fretted over. Now the world has changed and scarily so. I can allow my daughter to do all this within a gated community but even there within limits. It’s tough being a parent today. Yes, we try the best way we can.

    Thanks for sharing this again.

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    1. Thank God for gated communities. If one is lucky, they can serve as a surrogate extended family too! And as I have said in my reply to Rekha, the dangers out there are too scary for many of my generation who live a more sheltered life to even begin contemplating. Which is what makes the efforts of this generation of parents doubly praiseworthy. We do our very best, of course and hope for the best too 🙂

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  9. I had recently written one on parenting being the most difficult job in the world. The thing is that I don’t remember my mother repeating a single thing to me. Whereas I have to repeat the same task multiple times before the girls finally do it. It does feel bad when everyone around keeps blaming me for yelling at them. But no one realizes that I’m almost forced to yell. With more exposure than required and things made easily available, this generation of children are claiming themselves to be self-sufficient already. At times I feel it is I who needs my parents to parent me. The kids are wise enough to handle themselves. The safety issues are definitely something that has spoiled the time spent with neighbours and strangers on a train. I still have an uncle from my childhood who comes to meet us whenever he visits Delhi. We had met him on the train almost 29 years ago. Such were those wonderful and carefree days. Thank you for re-sharing this post! 🙂

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    1. Don’t compare parenting styles with anyone. Every child is unique and every situation needs individual solutions. Just go by instinct and do what is needed. I know the dangers facing children these days. I watch parents putting their kids in the school bus and say a prayer for them — the parents, that is 🙂 What a tough thing to do, knowing the dangers that are out there. How practical and brave of them! Hats off to you parents of today. But don’t make the mistake of forsaking your role as a parent, no matter how wise or smart you think you children are. They are still kids who need guidance. Aren’t you wishing for it at your age? 😀

      I will be sharing some more posts from the archives about parenting. Stay tuned 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Ah! I can comfortably sit in my ivory tower and talk disparagingly of these irresponsible young parents of today 🙂 When you never do a certain thing it is sooo easy to criticize someone else who id doing it 🙂

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    1. Oh no, Suresh. It is not only those who have no experience that offer advice and criticism, but even those who have had. They compare unfavourably, merrily forgetting that the world has changed so much that parenting can never be what it had been even a generation ago. For other than the genes, the children today are way different from their parents, so need different parenting tools 🙂

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  11. Thanks for ‘re-sharing’ the post.
    I can so relate to it; Even more so because I’ve had to make that transition from a large joint family, to a smaller nuclear joint family and now to the smallest nuclear family.
    As you rightly put, every generation of parents have had their own challenges. Kids today are leaps and bounds ahead of what we probably used to be at their same age. We try the best we can, and leave the rest for them to pick up (and often teach us, in the process)

    A perfect post for the present generation of parents 🙂

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    1. I was thinking of you too when I posted this again, Sid 🙂 About how you talk about your son being too wise in his ways, leaving you flummoxed with his responses. They are getting smarter indeed. Like my DIL once said, ‘We were smarter than your generation and the next one is smarter than us!’ She had given me a lot to think about and thanks to her wisdom, I have held my tongue more than once when I had been tempted to point out something in her parenting style. We had it much easier and simpler in a lot of ways, though parenting can never be simple, can it? Salute to you guys and gals 🙂

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  12. I am a parent of today’s generation..i have a 2 year old boy and we are living away from home…so its practically just myself and hubby managing everything and you have said it all…every second and everyday there is hidden dangers of diseases as well as people..its hard…its normal for the moms of today to be always scared!! especially after seeing the strange and weird news we hear in our day to day lives!!

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    1. Oh, I do know the difficulties of raising kids without help from extended families, but it has just got harder, which is why I wanted to share this post again to validate you all 🙂

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  13. I feel so lucky that I am at a place transported back to the good old days! Because I am in a neighbourhood where my kids cycle over to their friends and often stop over for food or a sleepover! My sons’ friends also feel comfortable enough to come over, open our cupboards and help themselves to snacks! Neither do I worry so much about germs and dirt, and I try hard not to obsess about grades because they have only one childhood!
    Yes, I do miss my extended family in our day to day lives, but I am grateful for how small the world has become via the internet!
    Thank you so much for tagging me and for your support for all of us!! ❤

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    1. I had shared this post individually with Latha and Rachna and then when I read your post, thought that I could re-post it again as there are so many like you out there, who will feel validated with their efforts at parenting 🙂 I have bitten my tongue many a time when I had begun going off on a ‘in my days….’litany and at others have been rapped when I hadn’t bitten that tongue in time 😀 These instances made me sit down and pen the thoughts full of admiration for the parents of this generation.

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  14. Thank you for telling me about this post. It sure makes a modern day parent feel good. I am still lucky in some ways that my kids play out, eat at friends’ places..of course by calling as you mentioned. And this fight of peer pressure hood, it is so hard to say no to what the kids want and yet strike a balance.

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  15. What a beautiful post, Zephyr! There are so many such gems waiting to be explored on your blog by me. How truly aligned our thinking is! Of course, yours is much wiser and mature. But thank you for being so understanding and non-judmental. It is so tough being parents. Like you pointed out, every thing is about observation these days. Phew! I have bookmarked it for future reference too for one of those days when I feel overwhelmed or depressed.

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  16. I guess this article is coming straight from a mother and a grandma’s heart. Love it and couldn’t agree more with you. I totally appreciate your viewpoint here. Being a mother, I am always anxious about my child’s safety after listening to too many incidents of abductions and abuse. I know parenting in times today is even more challenging and stressful than it was before. No offense to parenting by our older generations though.

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    1. You can’t compare and condemn parenting of one generation over the other. Each has its own merits and pitfalls. If the earlier one had been to controlling (my parents’ gen), today it has become too liberal but due to other considerations constricting in some ways too. But when one gen accepts and appreciates the problems of the other, there is a happy understanding. Which is why I make the effort to be appreciative of your gen 🙂

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  17. Pratibha · · Reply

    I never gave much thought to parenting. Honestly, it just happened. Probably, with my parents in law being there, bringing up children was easy. Yes, I had the problem of grand parents pampering their grandchildren.But my father in law was very particular about studies (so much so that I would be thrown out of kitchen if children had to study). Siddharth’s liking for books is inherited from him.
    But I found myself helpless when it came to food. I must be the only mother in this world, who never had a problem in making her children eat. I could weave stories on the spot to engage my children while putting food in their mouth. Gradually they learnt to finish all the food in their plate. Now, my mother in law did not want to be left behind. She would cook goodies for them. And when I objected, she would say, ‘they are in growing stage’ She says that even today. To that Siddharth says ,’we have grown tall, now we are growing horizontally’. All her love is shown in feeding.
    Honestly, I have been a very strict parent which was compensated by grandparents pampering. Since my children grew up with grandparents, respecting,caring and understanding old people has come naturally to them. I did not have to teach them.
    Today, when I see my children, I feel content and on top of the world when somebody appreciates them.
    The other day, while watching an ad of ‘Lays’ Siddharth said,’Make sure you dont give lays n all to my children’. Startled, I asked him,’did I ever give you?’ He has started thinking of good parenting, even before introducing me to my ‘would be daughter in law’.
    There is hope. In the days to come we will have good parents. Having said that, the onus of making good parents in future lies on today’s parents.

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    1. About the “Lays” thing, as you yourself pointed out… As grandparents you will be pampering your grandchildren and unnecessarily complicating things for me!
      As for DIL… whats the hurry eh???

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      1. Pratibha · · Reply

        As far as chips are concerned, you know my love for them. so, that is the last thing, you should worry about.
        About pampering my grandchildren, will you allow me? I think you will be more strict with your children, than I have been. Your only competitor can be Babloo Mama.

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    2. Our generation took things in its stride, Pratibha. Tdday’s youngsters plan everything — to the last T! Siddharth’s comment on you feeding his kid chips, is a case in point 😀 Expression of love changes with the times too. While our parents thought that feeding the kids was the measure of it, we found other things that we thought were important and so are the latest crop of parents discoverring newer ones. You are right though, what we teach our kids is what will make them good or bad parents!

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  18. Too good ma’am!I would say my parents followed the middle path 🙂

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    1. Welcome here Shalini! Good for you that your parents did that! do visit again!

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  19. I am also facing difficulties in parents.Because of increasing crime we don’t talk much with strangers and same thing fears we are transmitting in our generation next.Living in nuclear family also limit the exposure in terms of developing interpersonal skills.I know its not fun for little angels who are blessed with overprotective parents that guilt will remain their but can’t help it.
    I must say its a thought provoking subject on which we can debate for hours.great job.
    http://pratibhathetalent.blogspot.com/

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    1. Welcome here, Pratibha! We all learn at the job of parenting and try to do our best. sometimes we have to relax a little by teaching basic things to the children like, how to talk to strangers and about strangers touching them and all. These might make us uncomfortable, but need to be addressed. And yes, the subject is so vast that one can speak for hours on it!

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  20. Paranoia is fast gainin pace as we close down ourselves more n more each day. A heady mix of caution n freedom is what is required…

    Insightful post Z ………

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    1. Thanks for that comment Mayank. Yes, sometimes the compulsions of modern parenting make them paranoid and exercise too much control on the child. One should know when to hold and when to let go….

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  21. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Vineet Rajan, Vineet Rajan. Vineet Rajan said: The changing face of parenthood http://goo.gl/fb/mGVaW […]

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  22. I think we are getting paranoid about the safety of our children…a certain amount of freedom is necessary to inculcate a feeling of self….I have seen children revolting more now a days…they are a angry lot, so self absorbed and over-zealous in wanting to prove they are smart…most of it is because we always behave like a mother hen does when there is danger and indulge in a lot of comparison.

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    1. Welcome here Nalini! You are right about children being self-absorbed and angry when they are thwarted but many young parents are trying to bring their children up the way they were themselves brought up. And all said and done, parenting is tougher today.

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  23. Lovely post ! Almost like one of S E Hinton’s book titles ‘That was Then, This is Now’ !
    Parenting is never easy(though some may have it easier than others) and it’s certainly more tough and challenging today for young parents.
    Loved your objective take on it.

    Keep up the good work…..

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    1. Hey, that’s high praise from you knowing how much I admire Hinton!Thanks. Yes, I feel for this generation of parents who have to face so many new odds, though as you say the job is not an easy one!

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  24. Love love love ur post – what a fantastic analysis – so objective without condeming any gen…! and i love the quote from affirmation that Siddharth pointed out.

    u are too cool Z 😀

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    1. Hey Nuts, I really appreciate the commendation! Thanks a bunch. 🙂 Like I replied to Alur Sudhakar, the ultimate aim of every generation is the welfare of the child. So where is the place for condemnation?

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  25. The article has been presented very well and it has taken the present facts into consideration. This, facilitates in narrowing the generation gap in thinking of the elders.

    I would like to add that Charles darwin in his evolution theory has mentioned clearly how the flora and fauna including homosapiens adjust and evolute themselves according to the needs of the day. Simple example ia homosapeins had a tail in earlier days, to enable them to hop from one tree to another for their survival. But! now it is not necessary and the tail has become rudimentary and the rudimentary bone at our back can be touched and felt even now.

    We should never refer our olden days and pass on tantrums to our younger generation. We should enjoy them and preseve them as nostalgic memories and allow the youngsters to tackle and cope up with their present and furture.

    alur sudhakar

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    1. Welcome here alur sudhakar and thanks for your appreciation. Half the problems between the generations is because of poor understanding between them. While the older generation should appreciate the changed and sometimes difficult circumstances under which the present one is grappling, the younger should be tolerant of the older one if they give some advice. Both mean well and the ultimate goal is the well-being of the child, right?

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  26. You have beautifully analysed the situation than & now.We used to obey in Toto what ever we were told to do but now no body listens except parents listening to their children.Some where they have SURRENDERED to the situation to buy peace.We had good relations with cousins and used to enjoy together during summer holidays but today they don’t see eye to eye for no reason.

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    1. Thank you for the comment! You are somewhat right in that children are becoming more assertive and doing it very early on in life. But to be fair to everyone concerned, things have changed all round — lifestyles, the envrionment they grow in, the pressures of lving today — all are contributing to a large extent to the way things are turning out. And the reason why children are not able to gel with their cousins (sometimes even siblings) is the lack of regular interaction between them. Foremerly there used to be family occasions when they met, today all they do is interact on Facebook! I am glad that they do at least that! 😀

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  27. have we become justifiably paranoid?

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    1. Yes, I guess so. But we have to strike a mid-way between being paranoid and being careful. I guess it takes some time and experience. Not to worry. After all parenthood is where one has to learn on the job! 🙂

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  28. hi, nice and thoughtful post. you are neither condemning nor over emphasizing on any generation.

    one of the things that i feel slightly uncomfortable about is that there is very little boundary between being friends with children and being parents to your children. after a certain stage i agree that all parents should become friends but the essential boundary between a parent and a friend ought to remain. i also find most parents being over protective.

    any way i am generalizing, and obviously everyone is not on the same boat.

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    1. Oh sharbori thanks. And seeing your smile on the comment is a bonus!

      That’s a valid point you are voicing and my opinion on the subject concurs with yours. And no, you are not generalising. It is a trend where giving space to even small children is taken too far without realising the dangers of doing so.

      But every generation has had its drawbacks and strengths and I have only focused on the latter, I guess. I am working on the other angle and will soon come up with another post!

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  29. Interesting post ZM…. Reminded me of a line from the song “Affirmation” by “Savage Garden” where the song goes “I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do”
    The other day I was chatting with Mom and I told her that I am so proud of the way she and dad brought up my sister and me that I would rather they bring up my kids as well… and she said a very simple thing: “There’s always a first time”
    I do agree to what she often says: “Parents learn a lot as their children grow up” and guess there’s no option for any of us there….

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    1. It is a different experience for a parent and a grandparent — bringing up a kid, I mean. And I endorse your mom’s statement of there being a first time always! So go out there and get your own experience and you will not regret it; in fact you will make a good parent mainly because you have enjoyed good parenting yourself! 🙂

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  30. I think present day parents can do it even better if they share their problems or concerns with others. But i think Indian parents are reluctant to do that at least whom i know.

    it was good writing. I enjoyed it

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    1. That’s true. But again the reason for that can be found in the parents of the present generation. We had given them space and allowed them to grow up as individuals who are capable of taking their own decisions whenever they could. And they are living that. Plus, you forget one more thing. It is the day of the social media where it is easy for them to ‘share’ their concerns online with faceless persons! 🙂

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  31. Oh, I guess it was written more from the personal point of view, about my times, that is, but what I observe today is the general trend and I am glad that parents are becoming more involved and aware about parenting! btw, i would love to hear about your going off tea episode! Any chance of a post on that? 🙂

    Rushing right over to your blog!

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  32. sigh u shud meet my parents then… and yeah they belong to “your” generation…

    . No magazines were allowed at home other than reader’s digest
    . TV time was merely 1 hr a day that too during dinner (obviously DD news)
    . No playing with other village kids when we visit village during summer (sigh we weren’t allowed to leave the bungalow premises)
    . If we said yes and got some food from strangers during party/journey, we would be spanked nicely… i went off tea for 15 years coz of that..

    and several other things… Vinni was lucky!! 😐

    Psst: rush over to my page to drool over my latest bakes!

    Like

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