It is said with good reason that every human being is struggling with burdens and difficulties that we can hardly comment on, as we have little or no idea about what they are going through. This applies to people regardless of their age, station in life or financial condition. And yet, people are prone to wonder, speculate, discuss (gossip?), and affix their judgmental stamp on someone. Some might even go as far as to advise them. It might be a human tendency to indulge in such behaviour

, but it certainly is not a very positive or savoury pastime.

Haven’t we all heard these common generalisations?

• Rich people have everything.
• Those who appear  cheerful are happy.
• Children are carefree.

The above groups might be apparently happy, especially when we evaluate ‘happiness’ by materialistic or subjective yardsticks. For instance, the rich might not have to worry about money but might have other cares, which money cannot help with. The cheerful ones might be successfully wearing a mask to hide their sorrows and problems. (Remember my post about masks?) As for children, they are dealing with their own little and big problems. Don’t believe me? Get hold of an eight-year-old and ask him!

Such generalisations can also be projected on to individuals, with equally flawed outcomes. The couple in the neighbourhood who seems to have it all – both have successful careers, a good house, cars, beautiful children, and an affluent lifestyle. Neighbours automatically assume they are happy with little cares, even wishing they could swap their lives with them! But what if the couple is dealing with hidden pains and challenges, which they don’t to speak about? And why should they?

Of course, there some people who are able to navigate through life with their even temperaments and the acceptance that life is a smorgasbord of the good and the bad. I have many in my immediate circle who can do this admirably. But without knowing their truth, it would be wrong to fete even such contended souls. What if they are wearing a mask successfully?

There are several unsavoury emotions like envy, ridicule, condemnation, superciliousness, etc. etc. that precede these generalisations. The idiom ‘walking in someone’s shoes for a mile’, is not just to encourage empathy towards others, but also to control the negative emotions outlined earlier in the post, that lead to judging and stereotyping. Who are we to judge someone, based on our own assumptions, regardless of their truth? While the comparison might evoke a sense of inadequacy or inferiority, the judgmental streak provides a sense of superiority, even superciliousness — all negative emotions.

Then there are those who refuse to even look at others’ misfortunes or hard luck, wallowing in their own misery and troubles, believing them to be the most difficult and unfair to boot. Perhaps it is this group, that most of all needs to walk in the proverbial shoes of another.

But, to my mind, the most presumptuous thing to do, is to jump in with one’s tuppenny worth of advice, however well meaning, especially when it is not specifically sought. Someone might just be looking for a little validation and a willing ear to vent. Even if sought, advice at such times might only create more problems and even resentment.

For one, it is naïve, and for another, it says without doing so in as many words that we are better equipped to handle the problem. This superciliousness is never more apparent than while offering parenting tips to someone who is struggling to cope with behavioural and other problems raising their children. I know because I had once been the know-it-all who gave the said child-rearing advice. To her credit, the young woman who was at the receiving end not only made me realise how different the circumstances were from when I had raised my children, and what she was exactly facing. That not only put me in my place, but also made me apologise, learn about her concerns and empathise with her.

Each situation and individual is unique, and no one solution fits all, even when the circumstances are seemingly similar. Offering solutions sitting outside the problem is like the armchair critics of social media offering the perfect solution for everything from stray dog menace to a nuclear holocaust!

As Friedrich Nietzsche said, ‘You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.’                                     

Summing up, no one has a perfect life with no worries, challenges or sorrows, and each one of us deals with them in our own ways. Everyone has a story, of which we may or may not be aware. Superimposing our perceptions on their truth, and judging them on that basis, is not just unfair but also unpleasant. Why waste our energies on something so negative and unproductive, when we have so many things to accomplish in life?

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