Why (not) to be a perfect mother
by Zephyr • July 19, 2010 • The L&M and the brats • 49 Comments
“Pick your clothes up or…I screamed at the top of my lungs.
The older boy gave a lazy look with one eye (the other was hidden behind his overgrown hair) and gave a lopsided grin. That meant yes, in teen parlance. I drank a glass of water and flopped on the sofa.
Then my eye fell on the younger one sitting in front of the TV, carefully watching it, as if it was about to explode. I had already told him twice to shut the thing off . Now, I walked slowly behind him and snatched the remote from his unsuspecting hand.
“Oh mom! If you wanted the remote, you could have asked me like a civilized person instead of pouncing on me like that!”
“Oh yeah?” I must have looked like a dangerous maniac, so he backed off hastily, going to his table.
It was a normal weekday in our household and all was well with the world.
But then I went to the bookshop that evening and things were never the same again.
‘Take a look at these ma’am. This title has sold over a million copies.’ The young sales clerk accosted me in the aisle holding up a couple of books. Thrust into my face, I had no choice but to look at them. ‘How to raise confident children, the right way,’ said one; the other one proclaimed, ‘Get to know your teenager.’ (I am unable to remember the exact titles for reasons I have given later in the post, but they were something to this effect).The scene of the morning flitted across my mind. Maybe I could do with a little expert help….
And so the next morning…..
“Beta, will you please make your bed and clear up your desk?” I asked timidly. The concerned older one tossed back his mane and gave me a suspicious look with both eyes — he needed both to look at this new mom of his. I gave him a bright smile. “Do it later. No hurry,” I added as I left the room. When I sneaked a look through the corner of my eyes I saw his mouth hanging open. A large mosquito had just completed a survey of the insides before flying out.
I felt good. No more yelling, (it hurts their self esteem) no more threatening (it intimidates them). Determined to follow the dictum of the books, I valiantly went through the day. That I felt like someone else is another matter.
“What’s with you mom? Are you okay?” asked the younger one, concerned.
“Of course! What could possibly be wrong?” I chirped sunnily.
I kept peering into the book for more insights into teen rearing. I was becoming a nervous wreck wondering if I was spending quality time with them; if I was feeding them too much junk food; if I was giving them ‘support’; if I was showing enough concern; if I was showing too much concern…Suddenly I felt as if I had two left hands with all thumbs, two left legs and no mind at all….
“Are you reading some X-rated stuff or what?” asked the L&M when he saw me furtively glance through the book every now and then.
That was not all. I began joining in on the discussions at work — about bringing up children. “I give them space. Lots of it…” said one. “One should leave the kids alone to make their own decisions,” said another. “Give them respect,” said yet another. The more I heard these remarks, the more unsure I became of myself.
I gave so much space to the boys it spooked them. “Mom, where are you these days? It doesn’t feel like home when I get home and you don’t yell, ‘Don’t throw your shoes in the living room!’ the moment I walk in the door,”’ said my first-born giving me a hug.
“There is no fun changing channels when you don’t scream at me to stop,” complained the younger fellow, tossing away the remote dejectedly.
“You forgot to wake me up and I got late today,” accused the first born the following day.
“But I had set the alarm for you! Haven’t you always told me to let you get up on your own?” I stammered, thinking of chapter 3, page 2 of the teen-training book.
“I hate the alarm. I am so used to your voice that it feels strange to wake up to that jangling noise.”
“But didn’t you always complain that I should quit shouting?” I was baffled.
“Okay, so I made a mistake,” he said and went into the bathroom.
I shook my head wonderingly. Would I ever learn anything? Still I persisted with my anxious efforts, consulted more books, and talked to more mothers of teenagers to compare notes. I began realising that I knew nothing whatever of teen-rearing. I had been screwing up their lives, no less.
“You mean, you never talk to them about their studies? That must be terrible for them. I am sure they feel neglected enough to be become under-achievers,” said one horrified woman.
“But my boys have always been near the top of the class!” I said. She gave me a pitying look before edging away from me.
“Don’t tell me that you don’t even monitor the number of hours they study every day?” asked another matron. I shook my head miserably.
“I study enough number of hours, okay?” yelled the older one, when I discreetly put the question the next day to him.
“Don’t keep peering into my copy. It makes me nervous,” said the younger one.
The next day I tried something else. “Oh, so you have started learning calculus! Isn’t that tough?”
“Oh, mom! Will you quit being a pain?” the older one asked and the look that accompanied the words told me that it was not the most intelligent of remarks. I sighed. It sure was tough trying to rear teens the right way.
I swear I kept trying my best till one day…
“I knew I would not be able to score marks, the way you were hanging around and acting so weird. Will you please get off my case? You were so distracting that I couldn’t concentrate at all,” complained the older one, upset at having scored less marks than usual.
Ditto with the younger one. I felt miserable. I had finally gone and done the very thing the books and the women at work were warning me about — I had failed my children. That evening I threw away the books along with the old newspapers. (Now you know why I can’t give you the titles of the book!)
“You kid! Pick up your litter this instant!” I yelled at my first born the moment he threw his bag and shoes in the living room the next afternoon. “And while you are about it, clean your room and make the bed…you will not leave home till you complete…”
“…and you! Touch the remote and I will hang you by your earlobes!” I warned the younger one sinisterly.
The reaction was most unexpected. Far from being upset at being threatened in such tones, they were thrilled to bits!
“Hey, mom is back! Did you hear? Our mom is back well and sound!”
They were both dancing around me, happy as two yelping puppies. It felt great to be ‘back’ too!
ha hahaha… it was pretty much the same at our home.. only mom nvr wavered from her stern-strict-mom-act.. never!
i still look furtively arnd, expecting my mom if at all i drop a chocolate wrapper… no matter how many miles i am away from home
Actually I would have continued being the screaming banshee had it not been for my memories of how I used to feel at that age! Also the boys know ‘garjte badal baraste nahin!’ imagine being hung by your earlobes!
I was smiling through the first half, half-expecting what was to come up eventually. I’m sure you were and are a super-cool Mom and don’t need any external aid to make you do a better job of it!
I’ve always wondered as to why and how people come up with such ideas and books, when more often than not they mess up our minds and lives. Yours, for example.
Our way of dealing our kids is always the best one. True, we need to emphathise with them, and try to be close and friendly with them, but where discipline and rules come, they need to follow them too!
Oh yes, Varsha, the books not only screw up our minds but that of the kids too!
talking of cool moms, as you say our individual methods of dealing with our kids is always the best, since each child is an individual too! Also kids know when they are being scolded for a good reason! 
lol too funny z – i hope u repeated the ‘perfect mom’ act once in a while to freak the kids out
You bet! They would stop in their tracks to see if it was real and relax when they saw a suppressed smile or twinkle in the eye.
Funny but so true
As parents we are what we are. As far as I can see, those who have time to write books about how to be a good parent rarely had time to practice it 
You said it AN! I think that the writers of these books are so theory oriented that they would need a notepad with suggestions to deal with everyday crises that arise with any child and remain clueless when the solution doesn’t work!
LOL….was pretty much the same with my mom and us. It would definitely have been so different, and not herself had she followed any books.
Exactly! Any offspring that understands its mother would definitely be concerned when we mothers stop yelling! it comes with the job, you see.
Hah! No amount of shouting by the kids would make any mom worth her salt stop yelling and nagging!
And kids do yell back, sometimes out of frustration and at other times out of anger at being denied what they want! 
This post is awesome.. I have tried some baby advice books some people swear by and NOTHING works. All the books are collecting dust. I am being a mom the way my instincts lead me…right or wrong! Am I going to spoil Babystar or make her super needy..I have no idea…I’m just doing what I think works for me.
Welcome here, Ltlstar! The reason baby books don’t work most of the time is because they tend to generalise and we each have a very individualistic baby on our hands! what better way than to learn with hands-on experience that might be difficult but rewarding in the end.
Mami its me. I am Ltlstar
..writing a blog now. Nothing specific..timepass 
…don’t know how long it will last.
Lol!!
It isn’t easy being a parent..what if you make a mistake, that ruins the life of your child! Phew..hats off to parents! It is the most difficullt job in the world!
I am glad you appreciate all the hard work you mom must have put in!
Yes, it is hard, but also fun and a kind of reliving process for the parent, so it is fine! 
ha ha, what a lovely post. i like your sense of humour zephyr and I so identify with you. When my daughter was in her teens, i used to have the same questions hurled at me about not monitoring her study hours, not knowing what she was studying, etc and my answers were the same as yours. In fact even my daughter at times tell me that i am probably the only mom that she knows among her friend circle who tells her not to study too hard, and to take time off to watch tv, or movies or to just do nothing.
and when it comes to shouting? oh yes, i am a champ. and if i did not do that often, “what is wrong with you? are you depressed or something” would be the questions that i would be accosted with from the otherwise “tortured’ souls.
great to be a mom that you know only you can be zephyr. love.
Thanks Sharbori! Oh yes, I used to tell the boys that they should play and get some fresh air, much to the chagrin of other mothers in the vicinity who felt that I was setting a bad example!
As for shouting, I think they know that it means nothing sinister and also know that the scolding is deserved when they have done some unacceptable thing. We are all good moms, like i had commented on one of your posts! 
This was funny. I have no clue how my mom did it or still does it – there are 3 of us
) as for the third, i’ll wait till he is out of his teens 
But what I do appreciate is that all 3 being different there obviously isn’t a singular formula but then she has done well with at least 2 (am sure
Any mother who follows her instincts while dealing with her children can’t go wrong. children turn out differently for many other reasons like genetic characteristics and environment, but the basic grounding remains with them all through.
I must take up these tips
. Gosh raising boys is not an easy task. Ask me. Sigh!!
I have boys who see through the cover and give a blank look as if they are the biggest morons ever born. Disgusting .!
good post for a helpless mother like me .:p
Amusing!!!You pushed me to think how tough parenting is,my mom must have had a hard tym,but i guess i turned up just fyn
I realized how often we tell our mothers to stop nagging about every small aspect of our life,but we kind of secretly enjoy that attention i guess,what would we be without our mothers,and you Zephyr are doing an awesome job being one.
Kudos to you!!!!
Oh yes, just so that you guys (and gals) turn out fine, we nag and yell!
And all kids being kids, love all that but would not own up to the fact 
Btw, I am long past bringing up teens; am a grandmom now!
Ohhh!!!You are a grandmom,well your grand-kids sure do have a cool granny blogger
My gosh..Being parent looks like a tough job in this world
Welcome here maverickshree! You bet it is, but the rewards are well worth the efforts!
It was amazing to read through ur blog… the way u have put your feelings is great.
Welcome here Veena. Thanks for the comment. I am glad you liked the post!
LOL Well I learned something here thanks to you .
Will apply soon . Gosh I needed this post so badly .. Boys I tell ya .. I am sure the youngsters are learning too
awesome post Zephyr .
It was an absolute delight reading this post.
Chuckled so loud, imagine consulting a book to bring up your teens….LOL
I love reading your posts, no wonder Vineet is so proud of you
)
Hey, thanks for the comments, Purba! Oh, you know Vineet? It is all thanks to him that I became a blogger!
As I had mentioned in the comments on your post, it is better to handle exasperating situations with a sense of humour. I feel it is the most positive way of doing things, I guess!
that was hilarious!
loved it!
Thanks magiceye! Glad you liked it.
very well expressed.I am a bit lucky on this. my two sons have grown up now.eldor doing msis.at kelly school bloomington usa.other at mayo college ajmer.12th. I never scolded or threatened them in my life.It’s just how we deal things.
A chennai n.r.i. in America. when he threatened to beat up his son. the son warned him that he would call the police.
the n.r.i. was aghast. he closed down his work there and took a return back flight to chennai.
on landing he started spanking his child at the airport itself. now call the police .poor man, still in chennai. afraid to go to america.
Welcome here Pramod. That story about the NRI is really something. Can people be that bad? I mean, you want to beat your child so much that you quit the country! LOL
Yes, most of the time children turn out wonderfully well if we just guide them along instead of leading them by hand all the time!
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Lol ! Zephyr.Enjoyed surfing through your blog.
I always feel that old fashioned parenting is more realistic.Kids are relieved to have Parents who act as parents.
Nice to have you here, Varsha and thanks for the comment. Yeah. Kids want to be set limits so that they know how far they can go. Sometimes i wonder if today’s kids are getting too much space and freedom that is making them confused about their own limitations.
The day I don’t scream My 4 year old checks my temperature
Hilarious post
They do worry don’t they? And the best thing is that they know that as long as we are screaming at them, we care.
I seem to be shouting all the time and the chap replies back just as loud… and considering that hubby now works from home, and he is the silent one around, i keep hearing of how i should tone down! but this post makes me feel so much better! i too hear about all those opinions at the rare school meetings… ” u dont even make him read what has been done at school?” “u havent put him in tutions?” “u dont make him write every day?”! seem to have alienated almost the whole bunch with my negative answers to these questions…and when this chap goes and disturbs the whole class with his antics and then aces his exams, have to listen to complaints too… ” ur son disturbs the whole class” ” he doesnt let my son concentrate” etc etc etc! wonder whats coming up next!!!
Oh I know all about the shouting matches. The one with the loudest voice wins, but most of the times it is we who win. But it is so tiring, isn’t it? Relax and learn to laugh at yourself. That’s the best way to go about it.
rofl!! loved this blog.. and loved the names L and M and the brats
)) have read a lot of other posts(loved the jargon one!!) and now have to follow!!!!
Oh, thank you Jenny. I am glad you liked and enjoyed the posts. Have you started following the blog? Welcome here again
Never could have guessed in a million years! I just came back from your blog
What a coincidence!!!