The idiots and the box
by Zephyr • February 20, 2010 • The L&M and the brats • 17 Comments
The two boys are sprawled in front of the television. The older one has the remote in his hand, channel-surfing furiously. “Wait, wait!” cries the younger one but before he can even the get the first syllable of the first word out, the elder one has switched half a dozen channels and doesn’t know which one his brother had wanted him to stop at. So the process begins in reverse. “There, there!” screams the latter again and with the same result.
By now, the elder one has zeroed in on one of the music channels and settled down to enjoy the song — the one that has already played a dozen times in different channels since the morning. It has become so repetitive that it has started coming out not only of my ears but my nose and eyes as well. As I am gagging over it, the younger one manages to get hold of the remote.
“Ah,” he sighs. “Now I can change channels!” and begins flicking the remote control faster than his brother had been doing, if that were possible. This time his elder brother has to shout at him to stop at a particular channel. And so it goes on. And I thought that TV is meant for watching!
I have often wondered why they need to switch the channels at all, when all they do is to settle for one or the other of the music channels. And even that doesn’t make any sense because the same songs are played day in and day out over the various channels.
The one thing that never fails to amaze me is how their eyes can discern the programmes on a particular channel, at that speed. On second thoughts, though, I decide that they must be able to. Else, how can they can make out that one of my favourite old Hindi film songs is playing and skip that channel before I can yell, ‘Stop Stop!’ Not that my ears or eyes can react as fast as theirs.
On the remote possibility that I manage to stop their maniacal surfing at the channel I want, and insist that I have to listen to a particular song, they oblige. And how! Soon I beg them to continue with their surfing. Why, do you ask? Who would want to listen to a song in snatches, because the fiends are busy surfing between stanzas?
It can truly be said that the one who controls the remote in our house controls the household. And this includes the L&M.
If the boys are hooked to the music channels, then the L&M is a news freak. If HE gets control of the remote then it is one news channel after the other. Fortunately he doesn’t flick the channels at a maniacal speed but listens to a complete newscast on one channel before going on to another — newscast, that is. With hourly news bulletins being given on several channels these days, he keeps listening to the same news items throughout the day.
I mean how many news breaks can there be on an average day? Or for that matter how many times can the price of onions change? Or even, Jayalalitha/Lalu/Mulayam waddle in to make the same threatening statements about withdrawing support to the government? But there is no arguing with him. So he keeps listening to the same statements made by the PM/Home Minister/Opposition Leaders/Jayalalitha and so on. Soon, the words of the news items are all imprinted on my brain too and they begin to come out of my ears, nose and eyes. Who says I have no variety?
This is nothing compared to the ubiquitous WWF matches. I don’t know how it can be telecast in a sports channel, because it is nothing short of bloody murder, as one or the other of the hideous looking characters beats/pummels/pulverises another to a pulp. My brood yells its approval and sometimes gets so carried away the boys begin to enact their own version of it on the carpet and I have to step willy-nilly into the fray to call a halt to the proceedings.
If the boys are crazy about the show, the L&M is practically a devotee. To him Bulldozer, Road-roller, Excavator or one or the other of the crazy-named murderers is nothing short of a demi-god. I remember the time he had gone abroad. It was well past midnight when the telephone shrilled and I jumped up to answer it. A sheepish-sounding L&M enquired after me. As I was beginning to wonder if he was really so homesick — he had talked to me just a couple of hours ago — he asked for his younger son.
The boy, when he came on the line, began excitedly whispering on the phone for the following 20 minutes. For all his whispering, I heard him graphically describe the gory details of the WWF match that had been telecast earlier in the night in India. Thankfully, he rang off before I clobbered him WWF style. It turned out that the L&M had missed the matches when they were telecast in the country he was in. How could he possibly relax without knowing the results of such an earth-shattering event?
The idiot box holds complete sway over the household. Its denizens can’t live without it for one moment if they can help it. I remember the time we had shifted our house. The L&M and his brats had gone ahead with the luggage and had promised to set the house in apple-pie order before I came along later in the evening. Dreaming of putting my feet up after reaching my new home, which must have by then organised by my loving family, (how naïve can one be!) I entered the place and promptly tripped over a carton of books. As I picked my way through an obstacle course to the room from where I heard an assortment of voices, I stood shell-shocked. For there, was my wonderful family, sprawled on the dirty floor in companionable filth, watching — what else, but a WWF match?
By some unwritten rule, while it is perfectly normal for the other members of the family to watch non-stop nonsense on the idiot box, it is a crime for me to even watch a movie once in a blue moon. If I manage to catch the name of some English or Hindi movie that I want to see, while one of the remote-fiends is flicking the channels, I have to do one or all of the following: I hide the remote; I put on my most forbidding expression and bare my teeth and claws; I scream my head off till they back off.
“Look at her gaping at the screen!” the elder one says.
“She looks like a regular TV junkie, doesn’t she?” the younger one adds.
“All women are like that,” the L&M pronounces in all his infinite wisdom.
Earlier, I used to feel intimidated by their remarks and slink off, but I have learnt to brazen it out these days. Better a thick skin and enjoy my shows than being sensitive and let the fiends control the remote…
You know I now believe your earlier statement that we would catch glimpses of our home in these blog posts…. and it has also deepened my conviction that as different as we think we are, actually we all are the same….
This story could well have had my mum in your place and worked exactly the same…. cos between my EPL telecasts, sister’s music videos and dad’s news, God forbid if my mom dared switch to the saas-bahu soap for she was promptly christened a tv junkie and enough noise made for her to miss the serial inspite of the countless slow-mo action replays that the actors believed in enacting!
wow, that’s a piece of great philosophy: as different as we think we are, actually we all are the same….You are so right.
am sure your mom has a lot of L&M stories too. do ask her.
I am seriously thinking of investing in Tata Sky+ thanks to its record facility…
Since I am not that often at home given my crazy work schedule, the remote stays in hands of the Home Minister, or her deputy, my older sister. Hence missing out on the minor one-programme-a-day schedule that I follow…
Still… you do need to understand that channel-surfing is an art.
The moment you switch to a new channel, trying to identify the history, geography and the diorama of the whole channel’s future plans in that single frame that you have seen, and taking a decision to switch or stay in the time before your thumb presses the ‘next channel’ button, the thumb being on autorun, btw… all this is an art by itself, and a skill worth mastering, for it improves your cognitive abilities too…
So I say, do not grudge the channel surfers their limelight, for they too are experts in their fields.
Regards,
Grondmaster
you certainly are the ‘grondmaster’ of channel surfing! i am impressed by your detailed description of the ‘art’. btw, what does grond stand for? you see i have been bereft of the company of the brats for so long now, that i have lost the vocabulary of the sms generation. So please enlighten me.
Well…
The etymology of this word can well be traced to a long ago marathon session of watching a movie famously known as LoTR, or to that section of the world who are not Tolkein’s fans, ‘Lord of The Rings’.
Suffice to say I will not presently bore you with this history, but you are welcome to head over to the now defunct grondomania blog on http://grondomania.blogspot.com/
Regards,
Grondmaster
Really good ones and so much refreshing to read.. Reminded me of the old times at home.
More than anything else, brought me 7 years ago, right back home. Thank you! You are a transporter to the truest.
sounds so familiar – except I don’t watch tv
U stand in a audience of 100000 and ask Raise your hand, if you remember fighting over the TV remote as a child? As an adult?..
U know where all the hands are pointing…;) lol
The almighty remote control; ….a simple device that instills the beholder with the opinion of unsurpassed power over all who place themselves within the vicinity of the television…. through the powers of invention, the almighty remote control was invented to stave off all those unwanted efforts of manual labor. It now appears difficult to remember how we ever coped without it. Oh, and god forbid if the remote cannot be found. …The sheer thought of returning to the darks age and having to physically press the buttons on the television does not bear thinking about…
The relentless hunt for the elusive remote. The sofa, down the side of the chair, no matter where you look you cannot find it, even though the natural instinct is to repeat the search over the same places that you have checked. The mind programs itself to tell you that the last time you looked your eyes were closed or you had some temporary blindness and the remote will be there this time you look. This principle is the same applied no matter what your lose, your glasses, the door key and car keys, it is all the same….
ow you sit down in the comfy chair, the remote must be positioned exactly next to you. Symmetrical, perfectly aligned, within easy reach.
Problem, you need the toilet. Two thoughts subsequently arise. Do you risk leaving the remote or do you take it with you. A tough choice as you scan the room for those that will attempt to steal your honor and your downright privilege as master of this house. To save the risk you either put it in your pocket or hide it behind a cushion while no one is looking….
The power of the buttons. The ability to flick through the channels. The thought that if you cannot find anything worthy of your attention, hell will have to freeze over before you allow another person to select…
he size of the remote will still always have a meaning. Modern technology allows for the most minimum size of objects, like cameras and mobile phones, but the remote must never be deemed small. It is required by law that the humble remote must look the part. We do not want a thin, minuscule remote. Size is power.
The buttons. An array of colors and functions. The ability to alter the sound, add extra bass, to brighten the color. An action that must be done while others are watching the television.
Whoever has the control has the power of the living room. He or she will reign supreme. But be aware, if power is contested the reaction is to become argumentative, the sulks and miserable faces. To storm off in a huff, to blame all life.
I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure the remote was invented by a man. If you believe in all that men were hunters and gatherers in the early years of man (Adam was a shepherd, Cain was a ‘gatherer’) you will realize that man has always been a hunter. Now that he is no longer required to hunt or gather, he must have something to replace these activities. Hence the remote control…
wow! that’s quite some comment. it deals with an inanimate object in such depth! in fact it merits being a post by itself. know what?it has inspired me to create a guest category where such comments will be featured, and guess whose comment is going to be the first?
Well make it a FAN category
not Guest …
and yes for ur last question i felt like saying .. ” Me me me.. hehe” thtn i thought Hold on Ridhima, u are in mid twenties.. are u Nuts;) Dnt talk kiddish:) hehehe. Dats what happens with us …
A 3 year old child loves to run in the house freely, without any boundations. The mother puts a new Kashmiri carpet in the floor and now the child is told not to run inside the drawing room. Now the child cant run freely , he feels restricted and in few days gets used to this border line created by his mother.
Now even for him, decency is not to spoil the new carpet , even if he has to put hold on his steps. Out of dear and out of force.
All of us are a victim of the same in soo many ways ,this is just a mere example. Since we were born and opened our tiny eyes, we have been accustomed to soo many restrictions like these, with fear and force not with natural instinct.
We are told wht is wrong and what is right. We are not given a chance to decide, as we are small, and as time passes by, we get soo used to all these restrictions, that we give the sam e to our children. Why not we think of giving them freedom of choice and expression. Freedom of being decent in his own way.
Say, why do I feel a sense of deja vu on reading the piece ? No brownie points for guessing !
Love your ‘L&M and the brats’ series….!!
Keep ‘em coming….
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lol!! that again was wonderful!
you have me addicted to your wonderful humor and style of writing!
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mmm.. this fight never ends.. even my in-laws had the same prob -news channel and movies were like death and life.. so we presented the m-il with a new tv at her bedroom.. prob kinda solved now..
Somehow, when each one watches his or her own TV, the fun of the fights goes off. But i guess sometimes you do need control of your remote and the programmes
I watch my movies only when I am alone and am not being interrupted by someone or the other wanting to surf when there is a commercial break 