Driving (us) Crazy
by Zephyr • February 17, 2010 • The L&M and the brats • 38 Comments
The L&M (Lord and Master) is paranoid about city roads. When he walks, he hugs the buildings and wouldn’t cross the road to save his life. He’d rather walk ten blocks extra to be able to walk on one side of the road. He bought the boys tricycles and then bicycles at appropriate ages. Only, he expected them to ride the latter like they did the former — in our lane or preferably on the terrace.
Even that was okay. When the elder one went to college and demanded a bike, the L&M like a doting father that he is, bought him one. But the trouble was, he was expected to adhere to the same rule that had applied to the tri and bicycles. But being practical, he was allowed to ride inside the campus of the college near our house.
“I must be positively the only boy in the whole universe who can’t ride his bike on proper roads!” complains the boy. When he is allowed to take it out, he has to give a written statement attested by two witnesses that (a) he wouldn’t take it out on roads where buses and trucks ply, (b) wouldn’t carry a girl on the pillion, (c)would inform us where he would be going, (d) call home to inform about his whereabouts every 15 minutes and (e) return before it got dark.
These are nothing compared to L&M’s paranoia about driving a four-wheeler. Ours must be the only car in the city that looks like an armoured vehicle, with its front, rear and side-guards. I often wonder how his car plies under the LMV registration, when by rights it should qualify as an HTV.
He is so careful that he is never likely to get a ticket for speeding — he might most likely get one for SLOW driving. The boys refuse to come in the car when he is driving. “It is embarrassing to be overtaken by the pedestrians,” they say.
The other day when we were going out, the boys didn’t get in the car. “We will follow you,” the elder one said.
“No bikes!” warned their father instantly alert.
“Oh, perish the thought! How can I possibly take it out when we have to go outside the colony?” asked my first born, voice dripping sarcasm.
It was completely lost on the L&M. “Then how do you intend ‘following’?”
“We’ll walk with you. Just keep the windows rolled down so that we can chat,” he replied.
“We’ll try to walk slowly to keep up,” added the younger one, for good measure.
The father glared. I meekly got in. Hadn’t I married him for worse or worst?
If L&M is paranoid about driving on the city roads, he is a nervous wreck while trying to park the car. You would understand his difficulty if you realised that he needs a space big enough to park two trucks and then some. For him, parking is a family activity.
The moment we approach our destination, all of us crane our necks from our respective windows to spot a suitable parking space.
“Dad! There was a space back there!” the younger one shouts.
“No. That was too narrow,” L&M snaps. There is sweat on his brows and his knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel too hard.
“There! Another one!”
“No, and No!” L&M bares his teeth.
We go round the block half a dozen times and manage to find a suitable space. And now we have to ‘guide’ him into the slot — one to each side, as he manoeuvres the vehicle gingerly back and forth. By this time the boys are having a tough time trying to keep the ever-lengthening line of cars on either side, at bay. The whole place sounds like one big fire alarm, with all the cars honking for all they are worth.
A few more tries later, the L&M finally manages to scrape in between two cars. “There! Wasn’t that neat?” the L&M says, getting down triumphantly. A traffic cop has come to investigate the chaos.
I am unable to answer because the door on the passenger side wouldn’t open more than a few inches and I have to squeeze out of the driver’s side.
There are times when he manages to park at a spot suspiciously free of other cars. “Wonder why none of you guys spotted this place!” he would say smugly.
“‘Co’s this is a ‘no parking’ zone that is why,” his younger son would reply calmly.
We consider ourselves very lucky if we find a parking space within half a kilometre of our destination. “I think we should walk all the way from home instead of just half the way. At least that way we’d be spared the parking drama,” says the elder one in all seriousness. “It would also give us some exercise and reduce the pollution from at least one car,” the younger one puts in his tuppence’ worth.
Now that he older one has begun driving, he has to swear a solemn oath every time he takes the car out, to abide by certain conditions. One of them is that his father rides with him — and drives backseat.
The boy has the last word on this one. “When I buy my own car, I am going to install a set of dummy controls and steering wheel for dad to ‘drive’ from the back seat.”
lol..this is awesome! very very well written
thanks a ton Shaifali. comments like these are truly inspiring and make me going!
lol….awesome read
thanks vishal. keep visiting for more!
Wasnt this published in the paper ? Was I really like that ? I couldn’t have been that smug too! come on!
of course you were! wait till you read more!
Haahahaha. Loved this! Really fun and so well written.
I do sympathize with the older brother… quite like me to have faced such naan-sense…
And yeah… a good read, a good blog…
Regards.
Didn’t I tell you that you would identify with the characters?
thanks for the nice feedback.
very funny….liked the bit about ‘parking being a family activity’….hilarious
i am glad you liked it. more is yet to come….
I loved the piece. You must write lots more!
An amazing read… Can someone imagine comments like these from Ca204valry..
The boy has the last word on this one. “When I buy my own car, I am going to install a set of dummy controls and steering wheel for dad to ‘drive’ from the back seat.”..
that’s great praise from someone who himself writes so well! the comment attributed to Ca204valry by you are in fact his brother’s.
oh this was way too good… interesting activity to try and figure out which of the two boys is vinni! (i think its the younger)
Also reminds me of my mum who, as my dad claims, requires clearances similar to an aircraft’s to even drive on the road… and she doesn’t go shopping w/o dad or me cos she still can’t park our family car in parallel parking
didn’t i say that the characters have parallels in every household? you are right about your guess.
talking of parallel parking, it should be banned, if you ask me. i entirely sympathize with your mom as another victim. you can read about that in one of my pieces soon..
To give my mom due credit though… it was she who first learnt how to drive our old Premier Padmini and then taught dad and, a couple of decades later, me. So although we do frown upon her driving skills we ourselves owe our respective skills (at least the foundation) to her alone.
hahahaha…mami I can totally picture the four of you in the car. Vinni and his smug comments..mama and his demands and you trying to make peace
Just came across this link through vineet’s facebook post aunty… Hilarious stuff!..
loved the article!
thanks Sahitya. visit again!
Amazing! Very well written and intriguing
Hope to hear more of your stories..
thanks for the read. visited your blog. great stuff!
This was really funny, Ma’am…Now I know where Vinni *didn’t* get his awful sense of humor from!!
I agree with Harish here. How come Vinni has a mom like you? You are so on the way to become a celebrity blogger mom
this reminded me of my childhood….
you bet!
nearly laughed out loud at work. reminded to a great extent of my dad and how one fine day i decided never to touch his car again
bought my own a few years later to settle issues, but by then he started driving like a 20 yr old – no clue what happened!
ha ha! maybe it is the second childhood.
I can easily co-relate with most of the scenes. My dad is same. Even today he drives SLOW and we are showered with advises and suggestions and at times DICTATED. And who wants to fight and disturb the peace of the House?. Yes i want to .. but mum tells me to keep patience and not to pass risky comment that might agitate the L&M of my house. hahaha.
But i tell u , each time we go together with Dad ( ofcourse He is the one who’s driving) we search for parking and each of us have necks out;). Giving directions right nono , left,;) little more;) lol
the commens Kids passed are amazing .. they can walk with the car.. hahah I can sense the look the father gave that time. M sure thts common in all DADS.
Last but not the least, i have to ask the same Question which Poornima asked above
Tee-Hee!
Awesome !
Oh wow! I thought I was the only one who referred to her husband as L & M in her blogs!
Welcome here Shail and thanks for your comment.
He has been the L&M ever since we did the ’round and round’ the fire and not just in my blogs!
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lol! that was brilliant writing!
Do come back for more of the same stuff. I have a whole lot of experiences to share!
I read the whole of L&M..Brilliantly sculptured..I loved all of them.You can see lot of me in your blogs again and again
Keep blogging and I’ll keep reading
Thanks a ton. It will be nice to have another regular reader of my blog
I don’t do any social networking and rely on the posts to bring in readers, you see. 